our dni criteria (fake):

• can't eat a whole egg in one bite
• has literally actually for real zero salt in their house
• steven universe fan
• supports straight ships
• doesn't believe in autoerotigenic systems
• nozomi oshi
• less than 3 or 6 mental illnesses (self-diagnosed or professionally diagnosed, respectively)
• under 3 or over 103 years old
• literally neurotypical and an adult (how‽)
• allistic (self-diagnosed)
• lived in Topeka, Kansas from June 18th, 1973, to February 3rd, 1985, then moved to Sacremento, California, where they reside to this day with their wife, Gretchen, and two children, Alice and Bradley. Works as a middle school guidance councelor, and volunteers at a nearby public library every Saturday morning to read storybooks to young children. Does woodworking as a hobby, but the last chair they made was pretty wobbly so they've been feeling kinda discouraged about the whole thing lately. They should keep trying, though!
• can maintain weight on less than 1200kcal a day (are you ok???)
• has ever eaten a highly-poisonous sea slug and lived (ur good if u died tho)
• less than two inches taller than my dog (she is a shiba inu)
• doesn't need to wipe more than 5 times after taking a shit to be totally clean
• homestuck
• men's soccer fan